Told you so

I just finished deessignup and crying.
Tree days in a row ! How worse can it get!?
Indon even feel like putting on anythignon my face already,
cause I would just cry.
Just looking at the mirror was a heartache, thinking of who I am now.
It sucks you know.
Yesterday night, my fd was about to pray, he stared at me,
cause we usually do, but ididnt realize, and When I realized, I quickly just turn away,
we would usually be smiling at oneanother and I would be disturbing him, bu I didn't do it.
Afte realisin he had done his prays I turned around and gave a quick smile
he said " this is not nadhirah, must be someone else"
me, "hah, yeah, I guess"
and then itwas my mum, she said some stuffand I suddenly went mad,
and I ran and hid and cry,
what's happening to me??
Today, my sis said to me, " I have a new bofriend you knw *laugh "
me, * no response *
she, " eh, you hear me or not?? I have a new crush! "
me, "hm, k. * shows thumb up*"
she, " you ok? Usually you would ask excitedly ' who!? Who?!who?!"
me, " hm, k. *Stood up, finally facing her* who?"
she, "don't want tell you already ah, later you complain and tell mum."
me, "uh.k"

horrible, obvious enough I'm not okay.
Sick you know! It's always about the samethings!
I canT pretend already! I've been hiding and saying I'm ok when I'm not after the sorrys and when you alr ok.
Tired!!!!!!!! Ah !
Why do I have to be ok when I'm not, but when you are!
Fuck, cause I want things to be ok, but you're repeating it all again.
Stop hurting me alr!
And I bet what you're gonna say,
" ya lah, I know I always hurt you. Who I am bla3.." look! I don't care anymore what yourheart feels and what it says!
I've got a heart and feelings too ok!

:'(

me